Cookie Crisp

My ex girlfriend accused me of being a 'cheater cheater pumpkin eater' and I was offended. Obviously I cheated but I would never eat pumpkin. It is mushy and gross and when you see that wretched colour on a traffic light it means only proceed if you really have to. I'll tell you what I do like though, having someone vacuum my room for me. And Cookie Crisp! I'm guessing someone was dipping a cookie in milk and the whole thing fell in and they ate it anyway and it was delicious and the rest is history. And if that was the kind of history I was taught in school then I would of listened instead of cutting off Matthew Pearce's hair just because he looked like one of those fags that sung 'mmm bop'.

4.5 stars.

Frosted Mini Spooners

To date I've had no luck whatsoever getting on television, and if something doesn't change soon I think I'll have to rape a Gleek and settle for being on Conviction kitchen. Anyway, I didn't even have to see this on TV to know it would be neat, they let you see right in like a cool as hell neighbour who does his lady on the couch and leaves the blinds wide open for your teenage penis to get erect to. Fuck knows what a Spooner is but I'm all for it.

4 stars.

Corn Flakes

Unemployment has left me searching for cereals that have been marked down, which I think you'll find is the only con of not having a job. Corn Flakes is a staple for many people in the morning and that makes about as much sense to me as that movie Mullholland Drive. Or Emile Heskey ever getting paid to play football.

1 star.

Lucky Charms

If you haven't tried Lucky Charms then you probably listen to 30 Seconds to Mars. You probably wear Cargo pants. You probably lined up for Sex and the City 2. Your boyfriend probably cheats on you. You probably auditioned for Big Brother. You still think Jagerbombs are hip. You sleep with Pumpkin patch dolls. Your favorite part of Dodgeball was when that Apple Mac nerd kissed that blonde whore, and not when he got hit in the balls by a wrench. You pre-order Dan Brown books. You're adopted. Those pimples are there forever. You could never understand those MAD Magazine fold ins because you can't even fold. You have pet names for everything in your life because all of your real pets hung themselves. Your grandpa fought in a World War for your freedom and this is how you repaid him?

12 stars

Fruity Pebbles

This is the less good looking sibling to Froot Loops. It's like a Haylie Duff, an Antonia Kidman or any of the Baldwin brothers. Sure you'd talk to them if you were forced at knifepoint but you'd probably be hard pressed to get them to recite your favorite lines from Lizzy McGuire, BMX Bandits or Beetlejuice.

2.5 stars

Uncle Toby's Plus

On the advertisement for Uncle Toby's plus they mention that it has the extras that YOU want, like antioxidants! Fuck that, I'll take a sheriffs badge.

0 stars.

Cheerios

This just seems like kinda giving up on life to me. I can imagine it now. The day comes when you just can't take anymore of the harassment and agree to get married. You move in together and down come your FHM wall calendars, replaced by pictures of unicorns or whatever girls like. You come home early from work in time to watch the game but no, she's got her friends round to watch Ellen DeGeneres out-takes. Just as you think things can't get any worse your Froot Loops are replaced by Cheerios. the last little bit of color in your life, substituted by mediocrity. The love heart bowl is almost enough to make me saw off my arms. There's no putting a ring on when you have nubs for arms.

0 stars.

Bouchees D'Avoine Au Miel

I picked up this little beauty in a small supermarket in Montreal, nestled between a strip club and a restaurant where the waitresses don't bother with clothes. Damn, what a city! This as far as i could translate by looking at the pictures has fruit in it, which is an entire different food group I'm told. If Yoplait is French for Yum, Bouchees D'Avoine Au Miel must mean full flavored flavorsome chunks of flavor! I'm pretty sure about that so don't fucking email me about how you took French in high school, i have enough on my plate in between getting up and taking naps.

4 stars.

Good Friends

These friends on the front here are such GOOD friends. The one on the left can forgive the one on the right for talking during movies because that's how good friends roll. As far as i know the only place you can pick this up is at Whole Foods. The first time i stepped into a Whole Foods i almost cried - with joy of course! I've never seen such a community of upper middle class people getting along in cute aprons! To work here you'll need the following: Beard, sleeve, be able to drop the word 'brunch' into every sentence and have complete disdain for anything that tastes nice. If a good friend of mine came home with this i'd drop them faster than MJ dropped those painkillers.

0 stars

The Cereal Critic: On the Road.

After the blogs views reached double figures after 6 months i thought 'hey, why not celebrate with a trip to the land of the cereal; Serbia and Montenegro!' After i was told the USA was the home of the cereal i got on the first plane to New York (via Los Angeles, Dallas and Newark International.) You'll see i have dropped a few names in some reviews just to prove i really did go to America and am not just being hilarious from my own home. Note; i am at my home right now but at one point in time i was not. I was in the USA. 

Cocoa Krispies

I believe anything that is delicious must be nutritious on the sole basis that it rhymes. That being the case this is healthy as fuck. My only issue with this is that the bathroom took a beating like the Knicks do 4 or 5 times a week. I can't fault the product though, it's the American toilets i blame. You take a piss and it's like The Day After Tomorrow, water is going everywhere. There is no need for the water to be that high. I mean you have wifi 30,000 feet in the air and have created the perfect shoe in the Adidas Samba yet you have a toilet system that a diarrhea plagued African child that usually poops where he eats would stick his nose up at. Once you snap one off you better clean yourself up with a single ply, otherwise your apartment's gonna turn into a log cabin. Yo shit be overflowin'. 

5 stars. 

Cinnamon Toast Crunch

What the fuck does Morgan Freeman have all over his face? I'm pretty sure some of those moles or whatever flake off onto his pillow overnight and he packages them and this is the final product. 

-1 million. 

Cap' N Crunch

I love pissing off people at student hostels. I'd usually get there around 6 when the free slab of beer came out for everyone to share, i'd take a sixer up to my room and drink it whilst playing Brick on my ipod. I'd rock back downstairs around 8ish for the open mic and do a bit of improv. "hey so those mixed dorms, they're like harder to get into than a club." and "hey whose Kelly Rowlands? Oh hi Kel, I spilt some Cap' N Cruch on your passport, bunch of milk got between the pages and that so i just turfed it out, that cool?" Seriously though if it wasn't me up there you know it'd just be some guy playing Wonderwall 5 times over on his acoustic guitar. I don't even really like this cereal that much but i have a feeling old mate Horatio on the front there would turn me into a peg leg if i didn't give it;

5 stars. 

Alpha-Bits

Is this how kids used to learn the alphabet before the television started raising families? No wonder it took so long for cool stuff to be invented like the internet and that show The Real World. Shit teaches you nothing. My packet had zero vowels, i thought one time i might've seen an I but i think it was just an N that had snapped in 3. I'm pretty sure the B on the front of the pack doesn't even need glasses, he just realized A is into Of Montreal and thinks ridiculously large frames might win her over. Nice try dude but probably try some pointy shoes or i see C running away with you girl. But really how bad are that band. Moving on though breakfast time is not a time for learning, clearly why this cereal is still on the market as the only thing you'll gain from this is an A+ in frowning. 

0 stars.

Dinosaurs

Oh man am i glad dinosaurs are extinct. If T rex was around to see this atrocity of a cereal had been named after his crew we'd be in some serious trouble. It's funny that with this cereal you are eating the dinosaurs, when in reality they'd be eating you. Even the pussy vegan ones would probably tread on your face or something. 60% whole grains. 100% disgusting.

0 stars.

Frosties

I'm really good at sports -  that don't involve any running. Table Tennis, Foosball, Pictionary. Flawless at all of them. You should have seen this one house i drew in Pictionary, i swear architects were coming up to me in the middle of the street and offering me internships - It was that perfect. You know what else is perfect? Frosties. Now you might think that Tony the Tiger may have quite an inflated ego being the face of such a great, well renowned product, incorrect you judgemental piece of shit. He's the Fonz of the flake. He heard i was a writer and offered to take me out for the day. We went to the park and did all sorts of things that didn't involve much exercise. Frisbee, Connect Four. He even took me on a tandem bike ride! He jumped off just as we were approaching a pack of deer though and started destroying  the mothers carcass which i found a little odd  but he made up for it by supplying dinner - Frosties! 

5 stars.

Golden Baked Cluster Crunch

I think this cereal is bipolar. It has incredible highs (the first bite) and terrifying lows (the rest of the bowl). Golden Baked is obviously code for burnt inedible chunks of excrement. It made me feel like there was a drought in my mouth. You could drink a bottle of Jameson like Jimmy McNulty from tv's The Wire, and wake up with your mouth feeling like the Sahara desert. Or you could just swallow a mouthful of this. Jimmy McNulty had sex with babes. I'd be surprised if 2's would even look at you after the foul stench seeping from your body after a spoonful of this gem. 

Jameson 4 stars

This - 0. 

I'm with the Irish on this one. They don't often get it wrong. Okay maybe u2. and that dude from the Corrs. 

Honey Weets

Did you know that bees never sleep? They're too busy making honey to bother about getting in a good 8 hours. And this is how we repay them? I was choking on this more than Greg Norman does on the 4th day of a major. 

0 stars. 

Toppings/Extras etc.

There's a few things i don't like about my country. I don't like it how Weezer never tour, i don't like it that my football team never wins, and most of all i don't like it that after doing this blog for a month i'm already a third of the way through the cereals my local supermarket stocks on their shelves. If variety is the spice of life then Australia is coriander. Is that even a spice? Probably not but all i know is that nobody likes it. So i'm gonna break things up a little and review some toppings. If a cereal is any good it'll only need milk, but alas, like Weezer albums now the bad outweigh the good and toppings are almost essential.



Bananas are only good when made into Gwen Stefani songs or frozen into paddle pops.

Yogurt is for men. I remember reading in some hipster magazine that yogurt was for pussies. Oh yeah? Would a pussy nail a near perfect game on Wii bowling? I don't think so.




This is incredible. Sometimes you'll be pouring a little brown sugar on your cereal just to give it a tad more flavor, you know just a couple of table spoons worth, and a massive rock of the stuff will just fall into your bowl. This will be the highlight of your week, possibly year.

If hippies had their own country, soy milk would be the national flag. And national dish. And the national currency. Their national anthem would probably be an Enya song. Why people start drinking this stuff is beyond me. "oh the girl down at the local coffee shop convinced me to give it a go!" Well the girl down at the local coffee shop hasn't washed her hair for 3 years and she has a homemade tattoo that says hummus til' death.

Milo

I don't go to the doctors very often. I caught like 15 minutes of House one night and i think i got a pretty good grasp on the whole medicine thing. That's where this cereal lost me. "You've gotta be made of Milo". What? I was under the impression we were made up of mostly blood cells, bones and organs, it took me by surprise that i had to be made of Milo. Nestle are pretty crazy about making their drinks into cereals. I wish they weren't. The packet looks like spew, which is what will inevitably happen to you soon afterward. They like to use words like "wicked" and "max" (i think its short for maximum can't be sure though) in an attempt to sell this turgid batch of balls. I bet that's how they lured the kid on the front to sign up to be the face of Milo. Buzzwords. I bet they told him he'd be huge. Well let me tell you "bro", i know two people who ride bmx's and neither of them are famous. That's 100% of people i know who ride bmx's who aren't famous. Statistics don't lie. Here's another stat for you "man". 100% of people in my bedroom made the call that they'd rather ride a baby blue Vespa for the rest of their life, than eat another bowl of this vile, putrid, wretched and offensive excuse of a meal. The most important one of the day no less.

0 stars.

Mini Wheats w/ Golden Honey

The honey in here is subtle. I was like "where's the honey?" and then i was like "Oh there it is". The honey is trapped inside these little pillow things and its your job to help it escape by putting them in your mouth. Try using pillow in a negative context - it's impossible. Pillow of Syringes? I'd rest my head on that! Pillow of Chumbawamba I Get Knocked Down singles - hey i'd rather take it than leave it. Pillow of Two and Half Men dvd's - okay maybe we're pushing it. Men men men men. That intro sure gets stuck in your head though. My only problem with this baby is that it only comes in these tiny packets - like a bowl and a halves worth. Men men men men men. Shit doesn't even get close to filling me up and i'm a fairly skinny dude*.

3 and a half stars.

* Skinny is the new buff, and pale is the new tan, and back hair is the new chiseled jaw, which all seems to work out conveniently for me!

Nesquik

You know there are some things that you think just can't possibly fail. Like that movie Lars and the real girl. That thing should've practically written itself. Dude buys doll, people make fun of him, dude persists with doll, dude bones doll, dude marries doll in some state that has just passed a law that says its okay to marry a doll, dude meets a real girl, dude realises that the doll talked a lot less and decides to stick it out with her. Could've been the greatest comedy of all time. Probably wouldn't have won an Oscar or anything but either did Happy Gilmore - and we all know the people at the academy awards have been regretting that oversight for sometime. Instead they make some bullshit religious "serious" movie that just wouldn't ever end. Nesquik is such a terrific drink, yet this tastes like what Ryan Goslings bedroom would've smelt like in that crappy film, like stale Christian semen. My dog wouldn't even eat this cereal and i've seen her eat her own shit. It doesn't even make the milk go nice and chocolate like. I don't think the people at Nestle even ran this cereal by Quicky, the Nesquik bunny. I fail to believe he'd endorse such an awful product.

0 stars. 

Crunchy Nut Clusters

Now to all you toast eaters out there there may not look like there's too much of a difference between this, and your regular Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes. That's because you're an idiot. Bread is for convicts. Crunchy Nut is a great cereal. They took the Corn Flake and stuck a bunch of sugar on top and its tasty as fuck. Genius. This on the other hand is terrible. The Cluster tastes like a band aid. You could throw a cluster through a window if you could lift it up. The things weigh about 3 kilograms each. I think i lost around 9 teeth after my first bowl of this and i would've kicked up a stink had i cared. (i plan to eat a lot of mashed potato in the future, and teeth are useless in the field of mashed potato eating.) Why ruin a good thing? Its like when Dan Aykroyd made Blues Brothers 2000. What the fuck were you thinking Dan? The Blues Brothers is the greatest movie of all time and you shit on Belushi's grave by making that pile of tripe? Dan Aykroyd is a Cluster.

0 stars.

Sultana Bran Crunch

I've never been much for Sultanas, nor bran for that matter. But put the two together and they just seem to work - kinda like Siskel and Ebert. Like Siskel though Sultana Bran is dead and has paved the way for a much better looking Crunch, or Richard Roeper in the brilliant analogy i'm doing here. I'm not sure what's in the crunch, but one thing i am sure of is that its delicious. It's also high in fibre. I'm not really sure what fibre means but it'd score you well in Scrabble* so its okay by me. 

"Two thumbs up"

* Especially if you had the F on a triple letter score. 

Froot Loops

Toucan Sam is jesus. Toucan didn't need to walk on water though to impress a bunch of sandal wearing hippies, he just flew over the water because he's a bird. Look how badass the stripes on his beak are. and he's blue, blue is the best! Look how froot is spelt - just like you've always wanted to spell it. I once heard someone say that all the colours tasted exactly the same. Yeah, they're all a flavor called "perfect".

11 stars.  

Rice Bubbles

Snap, Crackle and Pop ey? I don't care if it rapped 'Ready to Die' by Biggie when i poured milk on it, it doesn't change the fact that Rice Bubbles puts the word tasteless in the phrase 'tasteless piece of shit'.

0 stars.

Nutri Grain

This hardly makes me wanna go out and do skids on my push bike, it is likely however to leave skids in my pants. Possibly by mistake Kellogg's marketed this as a cereal and not a laxative. It's all very cool on the packet how the Nutri Grain pieces are flying into the milk like that, but i usually find if you pour anything solid into a liquid from some sort of height, you are likely to make a mess, and as of right now i don't have a wife to clean that shit up so that's not an option. In conclusion, if i was an iron man (I could be but don't wanna) i wouldn't want to down a bowl of this and then go into the water. You need to wait at least 15 minutes after a meal before you go in the water stupid, and all your competitors will pretty much be done by then. 

1 and a half stars.

Weet-Bix

Every time i eat this i feel like I'm in the third world. Speaking of poor people there's this Ethiopian restaurant a block from my house, and I'm like "I thought they didn't have any food in Ethiopia?"

"Hello sir would you like a glass of water? It's the same water we washed our clothes in earlier this morning. No? 

For entree we have nothing and for our main, you can choose between tumbleweed and solid dirt"

Sounds about as appetising as a bix, whatever that is.

0 stars. 

Just Right Tropical

I'm not much for gambling. One time i put $10 through the pokies and walked out of the pub dizzy and spewing just like that guy from Lock Stock. So what i was thinking when i decided to try Just Right "Tropical" i just don't know. I imagined the tropics to be a little different. I wasn't aware dried up bits of old mango were considered tropical. and flakes, what's tropical about a flake? I looked up flake in the thesaurus and tropical didn't come up at all. This is the cereal equivalent of sausages - everything left on the factory floor rolled into one package of crud.

0 stars.