Milo

I don't go to the doctors very often. I caught like 15 minutes of House one night and i think i got a pretty good grasp on the whole medicine thing. That's where this cereal lost me. "You've gotta be made of Milo". What? I was under the impression we were made up of mostly blood cells, bones and organs, it took me by surprise that i had to be made of Milo. Nestle are pretty crazy about making their drinks into cereals. I wish they weren't. The packet looks like spew, which is what will inevitably happen to you soon afterward. They like to use words like "wicked" and "max" (i think its short for maximum can't be sure though) in an attempt to sell this turgid batch of balls. I bet that's how they lured the kid on the front to sign up to be the face of Milo. Buzzwords. I bet they told him he'd be huge. Well let me tell you "bro", i know two people who ride bmx's and neither of them are famous. That's 100% of people i know who ride bmx's who aren't famous. Statistics don't lie. Here's another stat for you "man". 100% of people in my bedroom made the call that they'd rather ride a baby blue Vespa for the rest of their life, than eat another bowl of this vile, putrid, wretched and offensive excuse of a meal. The most important one of the day no less.

0 stars.

Mini Wheats w/ Golden Honey

The honey in here is subtle. I was like "where's the honey?" and then i was like "Oh there it is". The honey is trapped inside these little pillow things and its your job to help it escape by putting them in your mouth. Try using pillow in a negative context - it's impossible. Pillow of Syringes? I'd rest my head on that! Pillow of Chumbawamba I Get Knocked Down singles - hey i'd rather take it than leave it. Pillow of Two and Half Men dvd's - okay maybe we're pushing it. Men men men men. That intro sure gets stuck in your head though. My only problem with this baby is that it only comes in these tiny packets - like a bowl and a halves worth. Men men men men men. Shit doesn't even get close to filling me up and i'm a fairly skinny dude*.

3 and a half stars.

* Skinny is the new buff, and pale is the new tan, and back hair is the new chiseled jaw, which all seems to work out conveniently for me!

Nesquik

You know there are some things that you think just can't possibly fail. Like that movie Lars and the real girl. That thing should've practically written itself. Dude buys doll, people make fun of him, dude persists with doll, dude bones doll, dude marries doll in some state that has just passed a law that says its okay to marry a doll, dude meets a real girl, dude realises that the doll talked a lot less and decides to stick it out with her. Could've been the greatest comedy of all time. Probably wouldn't have won an Oscar or anything but either did Happy Gilmore - and we all know the people at the academy awards have been regretting that oversight for sometime. Instead they make some bullshit religious "serious" movie that just wouldn't ever end. Nesquik is such a terrific drink, yet this tastes like what Ryan Goslings bedroom would've smelt like in that crappy film, like stale Christian semen. My dog wouldn't even eat this cereal and i've seen her eat her own shit. It doesn't even make the milk go nice and chocolate like. I don't think the people at Nestle even ran this cereal by Quicky, the Nesquik bunny. I fail to believe he'd endorse such an awful product.

0 stars. 

Crunchy Nut Clusters

Now to all you toast eaters out there there may not look like there's too much of a difference between this, and your regular Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes. That's because you're an idiot. Bread is for convicts. Crunchy Nut is a great cereal. They took the Corn Flake and stuck a bunch of sugar on top and its tasty as fuck. Genius. This on the other hand is terrible. The Cluster tastes like a band aid. You could throw a cluster through a window if you could lift it up. The things weigh about 3 kilograms each. I think i lost around 9 teeth after my first bowl of this and i would've kicked up a stink had i cared. (i plan to eat a lot of mashed potato in the future, and teeth are useless in the field of mashed potato eating.) Why ruin a good thing? Its like when Dan Aykroyd made Blues Brothers 2000. What the fuck were you thinking Dan? The Blues Brothers is the greatest movie of all time and you shit on Belushi's grave by making that pile of tripe? Dan Aykroyd is a Cluster.

0 stars.

Sultana Bran Crunch

I've never been much for Sultanas, nor bran for that matter. But put the two together and they just seem to work - kinda like Siskel and Ebert. Like Siskel though Sultana Bran is dead and has paved the way for a much better looking Crunch, or Richard Roeper in the brilliant analogy i'm doing here. I'm not sure what's in the crunch, but one thing i am sure of is that its delicious. It's also high in fibre. I'm not really sure what fibre means but it'd score you well in Scrabble* so its okay by me. 

"Two thumbs up"

* Especially if you had the F on a triple letter score. 

Froot Loops

Toucan Sam is jesus. Toucan didn't need to walk on water though to impress a bunch of sandal wearing hippies, he just flew over the water because he's a bird. Look how badass the stripes on his beak are. and he's blue, blue is the best! Look how froot is spelt - just like you've always wanted to spell it. I once heard someone say that all the colours tasted exactly the same. Yeah, they're all a flavor called "perfect".

11 stars.  

Rice Bubbles

Snap, Crackle and Pop ey? I don't care if it rapped 'Ready to Die' by Biggie when i poured milk on it, it doesn't change the fact that Rice Bubbles puts the word tasteless in the phrase 'tasteless piece of shit'.

0 stars.

Nutri Grain

This hardly makes me wanna go out and do skids on my push bike, it is likely however to leave skids in my pants. Possibly by mistake Kellogg's marketed this as a cereal and not a laxative. It's all very cool on the packet how the Nutri Grain pieces are flying into the milk like that, but i usually find if you pour anything solid into a liquid from some sort of height, you are likely to make a mess, and as of right now i don't have a wife to clean that shit up so that's not an option. In conclusion, if i was an iron man (I could be but don't wanna) i wouldn't want to down a bowl of this and then go into the water. You need to wait at least 15 minutes after a meal before you go in the water stupid, and all your competitors will pretty much be done by then. 

1 and a half stars.

Weet-Bix

Every time i eat this i feel like I'm in the third world. Speaking of poor people there's this Ethiopian restaurant a block from my house, and I'm like "I thought they didn't have any food in Ethiopia?"

"Hello sir would you like a glass of water? It's the same water we washed our clothes in earlier this morning. No? 

For entree we have nothing and for our main, you can choose between tumbleweed and solid dirt"

Sounds about as appetising as a bix, whatever that is.

0 stars. 

Just Right Tropical

I'm not much for gambling. One time i put $10 through the pokies and walked out of the pub dizzy and spewing just like that guy from Lock Stock. So what i was thinking when i decided to try Just Right "Tropical" i just don't know. I imagined the tropics to be a little different. I wasn't aware dried up bits of old mango were considered tropical. and flakes, what's tropical about a flake? I looked up flake in the thesaurus and tropical didn't come up at all. This is the cereal equivalent of sausages - everything left on the factory floor rolled into one package of crud.

0 stars.